Thing's I've Gotta Say
by Cpt. Ritter
Summary: Tag for The Long Goodbye. John has to say some things, and make some apologies. Of coure it's Sheyla


_A/N: Tag for The Long Goodbye, Sheyla of course._

"Alright Colonel, you're free to go." Beckett says, motioning towards the door. "No more escape attempts necessary."

In a small way, I don't want to go. Currently, I don't have to fear facing the consequences of my actions. Well, not mine per say, but close enough to scare me. I duped Ronon into getting shot, even though it wasn't me who really lied. I shot Teyla, even though it wasn't me who pulled the trigger.

I remember every minute of it, shouting for someone to hear me, someone to realize I was there, but I couldn't. Nothing I said ever came out of my mouth, not until Thalen finally dissipated, not until my mind was my own again. That's the last time I ever go through that.

I figure since I'm here, I owe Ronon an apology. I've been dreading this moment. I step into his cubicle. The big guy remind me of Chewie, but that's not what I'm here to do. He notices me and nods. "Look Ronon, I think I should..."  
"Don't bother." Ronon replied. "It wasn't you."

"I should've fought harder, something."

"I should've shot you." Ronon said blandly.  
"Yes, you should have. I was screaming at you to do that." I said, a hint of desperation in my voice.

"I guess I just wanted to believe you." Ronon said quietly, so quiet that it stunned me. "You're the first person I placed my trust in when I got here."

"I'm sorry Ronon."

"Don't let that happen again."

"I won't." It's a promise I plan to keep. We exchange nods and brief smiles. That was the easy part. I've had the better part of a week to talk with Elizabeth, that leaves only one person I really have to apologize to, Teyla.

I need some time to think about what I'm going to say so I head to my quarters and take a shower. I can think in the solitude of my own room. I can drop the facade I put up of being fine after the ordeal. The point is, I'm not.

I guess I should've expected that when I was faced with my own death, I would get a few revelations. The first was that I didn't want to die, not yet anyway, and especially not without finally saying some things that need to be said.

First off, forgive Rodney, it's been kind of unspoken for some time now since the whole ancient space gun fiasco, but I've never come out and said that, sometime I'll have to. The second, finally admit to Teyla how I feel. I don't want to die without first getting that off my chest.

I step out of the shower, changing into my usual uniform tee-shirt and jacket. I take a deep breath and walked out of my room and down the hall, towards Teyla's. I ring the doorbell, but I get no response, she must not be in there.

Glancing at my watch, I know that there's only one place else she'd be at this time of day, and that's the gym. I slowly make my way there, giving myself time to think. I rushed there last time I did this and I screwed everything up, I don't want to do that again.

I stop just outside the gym, it's quiet, but I can here the soft patter of Teyla's bare feet on the training mat. I breath in and out, then step in. "Hey Teyla." I say as gently as I can.

She stops immediately, turning to look at me, her sticks dropping to her sides. I can't help but rediscover all the details I remember from the first time I saw her in that outfit. It's maddening to say the least, somehow I've stayed sane all this time.

"Colonel, I trust Doctor Beckett released you." She's all business, almost as if she isn't feeling the after effects of nearly killing me.

I know better, but I'm not going to push. "Yeah, he didn't like my first escape attempt. All I wanted was some fresh air."

"At first her thought Thalen had not left yet." Teyla said, the smallest traces of a smile on her face.

"I'm me. Thalen left when I convulsed." I reassure her, hoping it does something.

She nods. "At the time I could not be certain."

"I don't blame you." I say it quietly. To be honest, some part of me does. I don't like that part, but it's true. Some part of me wishes she had believed it was me.

She's stalling, I can see it in her eyes. "I must be going." She said, trying to push past me.

No, I can't let her walk out. I reach one hand out and place it on her arm. She immediately stops, looking up at me. "I'm sorry for putting you in that position Teyla."

"Give it no further thought." Teyla says, the first true smile forming on her face that I've seen recently. She doesn't try to move away, but moves a step closer. "I am wondering..."

"About what?"

"Thalen said that you cared..."

"That was true Teyla. I was begging him not to do that to you."

"Colonel..."

"Let me finish." I place a second hand on her other arm. "I care for you more than I even know, I'm certain of that."

Teyla nodded.

"But that being so Teyla, if you're ever in the same situation, you know what to do."

"John..." Teyla's voice finally breaks, and the first tear falls.

I sweep it away. "As much as it hurt, to watch you suffer, nothing compared to watching you get ready to pull that trigger." I stifle my own tear. "I don't know if I could do that if our positions had been reversed."

She slides into my arms completely, our bodies merging as one. She buries her head in my shoulder, I rest my chin on her head.

"I pray I shall never find myself in that position ever again." Teyla said, her voice muffled by my jacket.

"I love you Teyla." I said, gently returning the embrace. "And before I ever face anything like that again, I want you to know."


End file.
